ideal body

I subscribe to both Fitness and Oxygen. Oxygen, in my opinion, is by far the better magazine. Fitness used to be good, but not nearly as much as it used to be.

But I am looking at the cover models - and there is such a huge difference. The one on Fitness is thin - but no curves, no muscles. Just a pale, washed out person. But Oxygen - there are muscles. She looks HOT! If I had a choice, I would much rather look like Alicia Marie instead of the no name girl on the cover of Fitness.

I don't want to look like a competitor, but I want the definition and I want to look strong. Of course, right now I don't look like either, but it's about the journey.

i slacked

So yesterday my inlaws pissed me off. Me and my husband don't have a lot of money, and we are behind on some of our bills. His parents are perfect and are never late on anything. And because my husband and his father have the same name, the bill collectors call his parents.

But his parents snoop and nose around and find out how much we are late, how much we owe, and all of that. It's none of their FUCKING business! Then they call us and get onto us about it. I seriously hate them at times. There is a lot more to it than that. They are just snooty, stuck up, arrogant assholes. They never have anything nice to say about anyone.

So I was angry. And I ate. I ate an entire Tony's Pizza. All 1240 calories of it. And I didn't treadmill. So today I am feeling huge. I'm putting the baby down for a nap, and then I am heading off to work out.

I am still full of anger.

yesterday's workout

Morning Weight: 255.5



I burned close to 700 calories on the treadmill yesterday. Initially, I thought that was too high, but after realizing how long I went for, and my weight, it's probably relatively close to accurate.

Get your own graph at skinnyr

And this is what I listened to:

Touching Heaven Changing Earth - Hillsongs

my miscarriage

I really want to share the story about losing my baby, because I never talk about how I really feel. I always tell people that I'm fine...but I'm not.



In January, I missed my period. I was sure that I was pregnant. I kept taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test - even had a blood test, and all of them were negative. But, my period still didn't come. I wanted another baby so badly. I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and only have one so far. At 32, I don't have much time left. It's just so important to me to have a family of my very own. Sure, its tough at times, but when I'm older, and I look back at what matters the most to me, it will be my children and grandchildren.



Finally, in February, at nearly 8 weeks, I finally started getting positive pregnancy tests! I was so excited. Deep down, I felt something was wrong, but the doctors and nurses told me things were fine. I just felt like I wasn't really pregnant.

I had a quick ultrasound at exactly 12 weeks, and my doctor said , "See there's the baby." And I left, crying, happy to know my baby really was in there, but worried because I didn't see the heartbeat. This was on a Thursday.

All weekend, my emotions were crazy. I was grumpy and depressed. Then, about 11:00 Saturday night, there was blood. Just a little bit. Just spotting, really. But I knew. I told my husband that I thought I was losing the baby. He didn't really believe me, and we both went to bed.

Later, around 1:00 am, I told him that I had to go the ER. I wasn't in any pain, but I couldn't bare the thought of what was happening. So I went alone. I started bleeding more when I got there. I called my husband and told him he needed to come right away. He brought our 11 month old son, and the nurses watched him while I had an ultrasound.

I knew what was happening, and a bit later, the doctor came in and said, "I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat and only measures eight weeks." I knew. He said that I would probably want to have it removed. My doctor was on call, and by 8:30 in the morning I was in the operating room having my sweet little baby sucked out of me.

I never physically felt any pain. But my heart was completely broken, and it still is.

I remember waking up after it was over, and I felt so empty. So many hopes and dreams were gone. This baby was unplanned. An accident. But I loved it. I felt like everyone secretly thought it was a good thing. We didn't have the money to care for another baby. But we would have worked it out.

When I got home, I couldn't eat. There was nothing for me to feed anymore. I was so empty.

I started exercising - walking on my treadmill alot. Anything to try to kill the pain.

That's how I started losing weight this time.

I want to be thin before I get pregnant again.

But I want another baby badly. I know my husband doesn't, but my heart is broken and I want my family that I dreamed of.

I need to get all of this fat off of me - for my next baby.

I don't tell anyone about the pain I am in. No one will understand. But I'm hurting so badly.

I am sad.

i'm back

so i finally decided that i had to pick a blog and stick with it. i love writing. i do it for me. i like being able to go back and see what i have written, and see how i have changed. i know that when i started this one, i was really suffering from a lot of depression, and i'm mostly better now. i debate about whether i want this to be a blog that i don't care if people who know me read, or not. i highly value privacy, but i also have a deep longing to be known and understood.

i'm not sure.

emotional eating

i am such an emotional eater. i eat to feel something. i eat because food is pleasurable and its a way to feel good - when i don't feel good at all.

but why can't i exercise to feel good? why can't i eat HEALTHY to feel good? why don't i get an emotional high from doing what I want to do being a great rolemodel.

i made a deal with my husband tonight. i'm not going to share his part of it, but mine is that i will stop using food to deal with my emotions. i will stop using *forbidden* foods as rewards.

i will develop a healthy relationship with food.

diet

part of me wants to starve myself.

i'm going to shoot for 1000 calories a day. that's still alot, i know. but i like the feeling inside me when i am hungry.

i also like the feeling when i taste good things.

but i enjoy the emptiness.