my miscarriage

I really want to share the story about losing my baby, because I never talk about how I really feel. I always tell people that I'm fine...but I'm not.



In January, I missed my period. I was sure that I was pregnant. I kept taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test - even had a blood test, and all of them were negative. But, my period still didn't come. I wanted another baby so badly. I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and only have one so far. At 32, I don't have much time left. It's just so important to me to have a family of my very own. Sure, its tough at times, but when I'm older, and I look back at what matters the most to me, it will be my children and grandchildren.



Finally, in February, at nearly 8 weeks, I finally started getting positive pregnancy tests! I was so excited. Deep down, I felt something was wrong, but the doctors and nurses told me things were fine. I just felt like I wasn't really pregnant.

I had a quick ultrasound at exactly 12 weeks, and my doctor said , "See there's the baby." And I left, crying, happy to know my baby really was in there, but worried because I didn't see the heartbeat. This was on a Thursday.

All weekend, my emotions were crazy. I was grumpy and depressed. Then, about 11:00 Saturday night, there was blood. Just a little bit. Just spotting, really. But I knew. I told my husband that I thought I was losing the baby. He didn't really believe me, and we both went to bed.

Later, around 1:00 am, I told him that I had to go the ER. I wasn't in any pain, but I couldn't bare the thought of what was happening. So I went alone. I started bleeding more when I got there. I called my husband and told him he needed to come right away. He brought our 11 month old son, and the nurses watched him while I had an ultrasound.

I knew what was happening, and a bit later, the doctor came in and said, "I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat and only measures eight weeks." I knew. He said that I would probably want to have it removed. My doctor was on call, and by 8:30 in the morning I was in the operating room having my sweet little baby sucked out of me.

I never physically felt any pain. But my heart was completely broken, and it still is.

I remember waking up after it was over, and I felt so empty. So many hopes and dreams were gone. This baby was unplanned. An accident. But I loved it. I felt like everyone secretly thought it was a good thing. We didn't have the money to care for another baby. But we would have worked it out.

When I got home, I couldn't eat. There was nothing for me to feed anymore. I was so empty.

I started exercising - walking on my treadmill alot. Anything to try to kill the pain.

That's how I started losing weight this time.

I want to be thin before I get pregnant again.

But I want another baby badly. I know my husband doesn't, but my heart is broken and I want my family that I dreamed of.

I need to get all of this fat off of me - for my next baby.

I don't tell anyone about the pain I am in. No one will understand. But I'm hurting so badly.

I am sad.