motivation

I have been feeling motivated lately. I really, truly feel - make that I KNOW, that I am going to lose weight and be successful this time - forever. How do I know this?

Because I have tossed aside all of those doubts that the process really works. Exercise. Eat healthy. Cardio. Weights. Flexibility. Good nutrition. It WORKS. Maybe the reason I haven't been successful is that I haven't ever really believed that it works. But....I know it will.

I'm not trying to lose weight so I don't look fat or ugly. I'm trying to get into shape - really look good and be healthy and I'm not hating who I am. I am accepting who I am right now - at 256.5 pounds.

I'm not trying to get back at ex-boyfriends or kids who made fun of me when I was young. I don't think that if I get to a certain weight I'll suddenly be happy. I am motivated because I have something to work towards. I have a clear goal in mind, and I am not going to stop when I get there. I can always better myself...always be healthier.

Having a motivated, positive attitude can make something that seemed unattainable become reality.

i hate the internet

At least, I hate it when it comes to weight loss advice. I've been searching lately just for information regarding weight loss - not because I don't know how to do it, but because I need motivation. And once again I am shocked at all of the dangerous, misleading, unhealthy information that is out there.

• Don't do more than 30 minutes cardio a day, or else you will burn muscle. What kind of idiot actually believes something like that? The body doesn't use muscle as a fuel source unless you are seriously undernourished, aren't getting enough protein, etc. If you don't use your muscle, you will lose it, but not from doing cardio!
• You have to exercise on an empty stomach to lose fat. Again, crap written by someone who doesn't know what they are talking about. You lose fat by burning more calories than you take in. If you work out on an empty stomach, you have no fuel to go on! When you work out isn't the issue!
• Don't eat anything but fruit before lunch. Yeah, we don't need protein or fat at all. Again, who really thinks this is a good idea? It will raise insulin levels and blood sugar, which promotes the depositing of belly fat. You'll be hungry all morning and will not maintain lean muscle mass.
• Don't have dairy more than three times a week. Low fat dairy products are very good for you! Especially if you are trying to maintain you muscle mass! If you want to be a flabby skinny fat person, then don't have dairy. Besides who needs calcium and strong bones?

Those are just the ones that stood out to me today. They might be helpful, but they aren't HEALTHY! And the people who lose weight like that are much more likely to gain it back.

Of course, not everything I do is healthy, either. So I'll probably be posting about things that aren't really healthy. But I'm not giving advice about those things, and I'm not saying anyone else should do them. I just get sick of people trying to act like they know all this biological scientific information about how to lose weight, when it's a bunch of crap!

my main motivation...

Ever since I lost my baby, my mind has been consumed with two things: losing weight and having babies.

So, I made a deal with my husband that when I get down to 215 we can start trying again. That's 25 pounds less than I was with my last baby. And I am determined that by then, I will have been working out long enough that I will be motivated and able to keep it up when I am pregnant.

I've never had any problems getting pregnant. In fact, the only month in my life that I had unprotected sex - I got pregnant. The second time, we were trying to use spermicides instead of condoms, and I got pregnant that way, too.

So hopefully it will be easy again when I am ready.

the food thing

I know that the reason I stopped losing weight is that I'm not controlling my food intake. I am eating too much of the wrong foods. The problem is, we don't have money to buy most foods - period. We're living off of what we get from WIC and from what we have in the cabinets.

So, we have cereal, cheese, milk, and eggs, but very little fruits and vegetables. I have some frozen and cans, but not much. So my selection sucks.

But I started today and told myself that I can't let this be an excuse to lose weight. I hear it from my weight loss clients everyday.

So...no more overeating and eating when I am not hungry. I need to eat as soon as I realize I'm hungry, and stop when I feel a bit full. So simple, yet something I don't do.

What's funny is I'm taking both ritalin and wellbutrin - which most people lose weight and appetite on - and absolutely no weight decrease - I've actually gained three pounds. :-(

I'm going to try to keep my food log posted on here, too.

For accountability.

ideal body

I subscribe to both Fitness and Oxygen. Oxygen, in my opinion, is by far the better magazine. Fitness used to be good, but not nearly as much as it used to be.

But I am looking at the cover models - and there is such a huge difference. The one on Fitness is thin - but no curves, no muscles. Just a pale, washed out person. But Oxygen - there are muscles. She looks HOT! If I had a choice, I would much rather look like Alicia Marie instead of the no name girl on the cover of Fitness.

I don't want to look like a competitor, but I want the definition and I want to look strong. Of course, right now I don't look like either, but it's about the journey.

i slacked

So yesterday my inlaws pissed me off. Me and my husband don't have a lot of money, and we are behind on some of our bills. His parents are perfect and are never late on anything. And because my husband and his father have the same name, the bill collectors call his parents.

But his parents snoop and nose around and find out how much we are late, how much we owe, and all of that. It's none of their FUCKING business! Then they call us and get onto us about it. I seriously hate them at times. There is a lot more to it than that. They are just snooty, stuck up, arrogant assholes. They never have anything nice to say about anyone.

So I was angry. And I ate. I ate an entire Tony's Pizza. All 1240 calories of it. And I didn't treadmill. So today I am feeling huge. I'm putting the baby down for a nap, and then I am heading off to work out.

I am still full of anger.

yesterday's workout

Morning Weight: 255.5



I burned close to 700 calories on the treadmill yesterday. Initially, I thought that was too high, but after realizing how long I went for, and my weight, it's probably relatively close to accurate.

Get your own graph at skinnyr

And this is what I listened to:

Touching Heaven Changing Earth - Hillsongs

my miscarriage

I really want to share the story about losing my baby, because I never talk about how I really feel. I always tell people that I'm fine...but I'm not.



In January, I missed my period. I was sure that I was pregnant. I kept taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test - even had a blood test, and all of them were negative. But, my period still didn't come. I wanted another baby so badly. I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and only have one so far. At 32, I don't have much time left. It's just so important to me to have a family of my very own. Sure, its tough at times, but when I'm older, and I look back at what matters the most to me, it will be my children and grandchildren.



Finally, in February, at nearly 8 weeks, I finally started getting positive pregnancy tests! I was so excited. Deep down, I felt something was wrong, but the doctors and nurses told me things were fine. I just felt like I wasn't really pregnant.

I had a quick ultrasound at exactly 12 weeks, and my doctor said , "See there's the baby." And I left, crying, happy to know my baby really was in there, but worried because I didn't see the heartbeat. This was on a Thursday.

All weekend, my emotions were crazy. I was grumpy and depressed. Then, about 11:00 Saturday night, there was blood. Just a little bit. Just spotting, really. But I knew. I told my husband that I thought I was losing the baby. He didn't really believe me, and we both went to bed.

Later, around 1:00 am, I told him that I had to go the ER. I wasn't in any pain, but I couldn't bare the thought of what was happening. So I went alone. I started bleeding more when I got there. I called my husband and told him he needed to come right away. He brought our 11 month old son, and the nurses watched him while I had an ultrasound.

I knew what was happening, and a bit later, the doctor came in and said, "I'm sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat and only measures eight weeks." I knew. He said that I would probably want to have it removed. My doctor was on call, and by 8:30 in the morning I was in the operating room having my sweet little baby sucked out of me.

I never physically felt any pain. But my heart was completely broken, and it still is.

I remember waking up after it was over, and I felt so empty. So many hopes and dreams were gone. This baby was unplanned. An accident. But I loved it. I felt like everyone secretly thought it was a good thing. We didn't have the money to care for another baby. But we would have worked it out.

When I got home, I couldn't eat. There was nothing for me to feed anymore. I was so empty.

I started exercising - walking on my treadmill alot. Anything to try to kill the pain.

That's how I started losing weight this time.

I want to be thin before I get pregnant again.

But I want another baby badly. I know my husband doesn't, but my heart is broken and I want my family that I dreamed of.

I need to get all of this fat off of me - for my next baby.

I don't tell anyone about the pain I am in. No one will understand. But I'm hurting so badly.

I am sad.

i'm back

so i finally decided that i had to pick a blog and stick with it. i love writing. i do it for me. i like being able to go back and see what i have written, and see how i have changed. i know that when i started this one, i was really suffering from a lot of depression, and i'm mostly better now. i debate about whether i want this to be a blog that i don't care if people who know me read, or not. i highly value privacy, but i also have a deep longing to be known and understood.

i'm not sure.